Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The bitch is back

I broke up with blogging. I've always been wowed by the latest trend or it thing / person. Blogging seemed to be the "it" thing. I wanted to be cool, popular, trendy, have nifty followers, prizes, etc. The entire concept wooed me! A few times I posted. Tracked my comments. Looked for page views. I was legit giddy when I'd see a comment! People liked me...They really liked me! Surely, this meant I'd strike it up and become a major blogger!! Months later my posting slowed. And not long after that I stopped. This weird pressure came over me. To have the perfect words to write, pictures to post, and happiest of lives. Blogging wasn't for me. I couldn't keep up with the all the other beautiful images, Jesus filled posts, happy families. My life didn't seem that worthy. I stopped writing. I stopped posting. I still looked at other blogs. My blog could not compare. And sadly, I thought my family wouldn't come across as cookie cutter enough. After almost a 2 year absence I decided to log into my blogger account. I read my old post. I can see a lot of love and a girl/mom/wife desperately trying to fit in. For the most part I am not horrified by my post. I wish I didn't sound so vapid or saccharine. I regret not giving a truthful picture. I was so stupid to think that being part of a circle or group would define me. The judgments of others would complete me. Maybe it took 2 years of silence to realize that my life is ok. It is pretty the way it is. My son, my husband, health, home, etc. Pretty damn ok. Flaws are truths. My pictures won't be perfectly shot with lighting and angles. Don't expect my grammar to be correct. Occasionally I want to scream at my husband. Our son is a blessing but, drives me crazy. Some days I want to completely break down or check out. I am super judgmental. I am anxious. I cry. I can barely do a craft project. Legit, I love to swear. My hair is too big. Dieting is something I don't do. I still have no idea on how to dress a little boy. My list is endless!!! I apologize for not sharing the truth. I am at peace with myself. I don't need to be that desperate woman. All I want is to have a place to document honest memories. From now on just Jenn.

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